"Have you been making a ton of art since we've been on lockdown?"
I get this question ALL the time.
The answer is no.
Truth is, I've hardly touched a pencil let alone a paint brush.
No one prepares you to how you should feel during a global pandemic.
On one hand, its been amazing because it seems I have an unlimited amount of time with my family--something I craved all throughout my work week. It seemed (and still does) so backward that other people were with my husband and my son more than I was on a regular basis. I'm not even one of those people that works 40+ hours! But between my two jobs and multiple expectations I put on myself let alone the ones that are on me as an employee, it has weighed on me.
Get up. Get dressed. Get myself ready for work. Do I have everything I need for work? Did I prepare enough for my class? Is Gabriel dressed yet? Does he have enough time to eat breakfast AND brush his teeth before school? Are we going to make it in enough time without being late? Where is his backpack? Why is he taking so long to get in the car? I forgot to pack his lunch.. just throw something together. He hardly eats lunch anyway. Damnit I wish he would eat more. Speaking of food..what am I going to make for dinner?By the time I pick him up from school, gather everything for job #2 I'm not even going to be able to think about what to cook...
Do you see how this is complete madness? Day in. Day out. Every day. How did I get here? How is this my life?
Am I thankful for the life that I have? Absolutely! I have a husband and a son who love me more than anything. I have two rewarding jobs that I thoroughly enjoy every single day. We have a community of supportive, encouraging friends and family that would bend over backwards if we needed anything. We own a home within the city limits of Midwest America where everything is quite literally at our fingertips at all times.
What. Is. The. Problem?
I think that's just it.. It's the balance.
The constant tension of trying not to sink because of one simple misstep.
Somehow that tension has always driven me forward. Like the gasoline for your car. With this pandemic, I don't have that same electric feeling of just keeping it together that I have become so accustomed to. Its like it is a part of me me now like the color of my eyes or length of my hair. Without that electricity, I don't really feel like myself. It definitely feels like there is a missing piece somewhere in there at least.
If I am inspired by my daily striving--striving for good, striving for a real moment, striving to see humanity as it really is.. then of course I would be lacking the motivation to create anything.
It doesn't feel relevant right now. I know that is untrue, but I still feel that way nonetheless. My daily grind, I am realizing, is much more than just a crazy schedule.
All that being said,
I have hardly gotten any work done whatsoever since COVID19.
I know it won't stay that way. Its not that I don't have orders coming in. I actually have 3 commissions that are set to go, but it has just taken me this long to realize where my drive went.
It wasn't my fault it left.
It won't stay gone long if I have anything to say about it, because isn't that what I always do anyway? I. Find. A. Way.
I just have to find a new grind because the old one was taking more out of me than I was getting from it.
I guess its time to turn that all the way around and find a new normal.
"Where do you find inspiration for your work?"